What I Wish I’d Done Differently in the First 72 Hours After Deciding to Separate

I remember the moment I knew my marriage was over. Not the argument. Not the final conversation.
Just the quiet, internal knowing that things couldn’t continue as they were. What followed were 72 hours I barely remember. I was trying to be reasonable. Cooperative. Calm. I wanted to reduce conflict. I wanted everyone (especially my kids) to be ok.

And in that fog, I made decisions I later wished I’d slowed down on, including agreeing to a parenting arrangement before I’d had time to think, breathe, or get legal advice.

If you’re in that place right now, this is what I wish someone had told me: the first 72 hours are not for solving your separation. They’re for steadying yourself inside it. Here’s how I think about those early days now, with the benefit of hindsight and experience.

1. Safety and steadiness are the priority

In those first few days, I was singularly focused on reducing conflict. What I should have focused on was being stable. Before you agree to anything, ask yourself:

➝Are you safe?

➝Are the kids safe?

➝Do you have space to sleep, eat, and think?

Nothing else matters until those answers are yes. You're allowed to take up space, and you're allowed to take your time.

2. You don’t need to agree to anything immediately (even if it feels urgent)

One of my biggest regrets from those early hours was agreeing to things “just for now” — especially around parenting — mainly because I didn’t want things to escalate. I now know that temporary decisions have a way of becoming permanent. I wish I had taken time in the immediate aftermath of my separation to cool off, rather than jumping into decision-making mode.

You're not required to lock in any decisions when you're emotionally flooded. Waiting is not conflict, it's self-care. If I could go back, I would have said: “I need time to think about this before agreeing to anything.” That sentence alone can save months (sometimes years) of stress later.

3. Gather information quietly, without acting on it

It can become really difficult to reconstruct financial information once the separation settles in. In the first few days, you don’t need to do anything with information - just make sure you gather it.

Think:

➝account balances

➝income details

➝household expenses

➝important documents

This isn't you being sneaky - it's protecting your interests. You'll need all of this info later, so gather it while you still have access to everything.

4. Focus on reducing next week’s panic, not today’s pain

There is a temptation in those first 72 hours to try to make the pain stop. To fix everything immediately, and to avoid conflict. Instead, a better question is: “What would make next week feel 10% more manageable?”

That might be:

➝clarity about money

➝support with childcare

➝fewer conversations

➝one clear boundary

Small stabilizers matter more than big decisions right now.

A final word

If you’re in the first 72 hours after deciding to separate, please know this: You don't need to be agreeable right now. Focus on stability, not decision-making.